A Letter to Myself

I've been reflecting on my life with my birthday coming up and from conversations I've had recently.  What would I have told myself through out the years past?  In looking back on certain seasons of my life, I hope to accomplish two things...the first being that I hope I never forget where I've come from or what I've learned along the way and the second being that if anyone is in a season that I've gone though, my desire is that the lessons I've learned might help you in some way.

Childhood - A time of innocence where no bills need to be paid and the lessons in life are learned under guiding parents with minimal consequences.  I had a great childhood and many great memories.  The only thing I wish I did differently as a child is to not always wish I was a couple of years older.  I just couldn't wait to be ___ and that number was always at least 2 years older than what I already was.  I couldn't wait to gain more freedom!  Enjoy childhood and make many memories.   

Middle School/High School - There are some great memories from these years and some not so great memories.  Take the good with the bad but try to forget the bad (or at least offer forgiveness more quickly).  I love that I didn't wish away these years.  I enjoyed the times I had and although I was looking forward to college and life after high school in general, I didn't sit around just waiting for that to happen.  Being involved in activities that mattered to me is one of the things I have no regrets about.  

College - Someone once told me that my greatest years and memories would be made in college and they were right.  I loved being more independent and it helped to make good friends that had the same dreams and desires I had.  Some of my lifelong friends were made in college.  It is also the time I realized that friends with come and go...there will be some friends that are friends for life but others are just for a season and that's okay.  

20 Something - I made some mistakes during these years.  I've heard the saying to not regret mistakes because they teach you a lesson and I only agree with that to a certain extent.  I wish I wouldn't have made some of the choices that I did during these years.  I wish I wouldn't have had the attitude of "well, I've already messed up so what's the difference".  I wish I would have repented of the first mistake and moved on instead of trying to find my value in other ways.  If I could go back in time, I would tell myself that my actions do not determine my worth in the eyes of Christ.  These years were not all wasted...I made some great friends and enjoyed being single while working full time.  I love the position I had with the Hope Center for Kids.  I loved being apart of an organization that is making a difference.  

Married Life Without Children - This is the shortest period of time as it only lasted a year and a half before moving onto the next season of life of married with children.  The first year of marriage is great...and also very hard.  The fights are intense as you wonder what you just got yourself into.  If I could go back to my life then, I would tell myself to calm down, you have a lifetime to learn each other.  There were issues made of things that really didn't matter but at the time, even an older version of myself couldn't have convinced myself that was true.  I don't regret discussions that were had or issues that were discussed.  I never regret giving my life to Myron and committing to love him for the rest of my life.  I would also tell myself to enjoy the season we had before we had children.  Life is just a little more simple when you don't have to think about bedtimes, nap times, and all the other things that come with kid. 

Parenting Young Children - Although I am still in this season, I have learned a few things along the way.  The first being, even in the difficult moments (which there are plenty), do not wish this season away.  I've heard it said that the days are long while the years fly by...so far, this is very true.  The other thing I have learned is that if there's something difficult about the age of a certain child, they will soon be onto the next stage and there will be new challenges that come with that stage but the things that bothered you before will likely be over.  

I have more thoughts on this stage since this is the one I am currently in so it requires more than 1 paragraph.  Although it's said of relationships concerning a significant other, "can't live with them, can't live without them"...I would apply this to parenting.  Parenting is very frustrating in certain moments but I couldn't imagine my life any other way.  When someone else is caring for my children, it is hard not to think of them and wonder if they are okay.  While at the same time, trying to grocery shop with a screaming toddler is not my idea of fun.

Keep your relationship with your spouse above the demands you have as a parent.  This may be difficult with the demands of young children are great and the house doesn't clean itself.  Keep dating your significant other because your relationship with them is vital.  Keep short accounts and always offer forgiveness.    

I would tell every parent of young children two things.  The first being something I found great comfort in from someone I respect greatly...she said that when her children were young, she questioned whether she was saved or not.  I love this because it made me realize that what I'm going through is normal.  The second being that being a great parent doesn't mean I have to be a perfect parent.  Sometimes it's easy to get the two mixed up.  God wouldn't have given me these wonderful gifts if he didn't think I would be the best mom for them.  Oh, and the last thing is to parent the best way you know how and do what you feel is best for your children.  There are many parenting theories out there and while some of them have some great ideas, only God knows what is the best way for your child to be raised so ask Him...He created them.           

Finding Out Jericho is T1D

I decided to blog about our journey with Jericho's diabetes.  This blog post is quite long and most of the reason for that is so that he can read it as he gets older.  Feel free to skim and read what you'd like!

Jericho has been increasing more and more thirsty the last few weeks and was going to the bathroom constantly.  He also had some accidents and considering he has been potty trained for a year, Myron and I considered limiting his fluid intake.  The night before I took Jericho into his doctor, the word diabetes popped in my head and I quickly looked up the symptoms.  Although he had quite a few of the symptoms and I wanted to get him checked, I think there's always the hope in your mind that there's no way he could be diabetic.  From what we knew, there was no history of diabetes on either side of the family.

The next morning, after a breakfast of french toast (completed with syrup of course), we made our way to the doctor.  I told Jericho that he wasn't getting any shots because the best I knew, he would just be taking a urine test (boy did I have a lot to learn).  After his urine test, they came back for a blood test and although he was only poked one time, they came back two times after that to continue to get blood samples.  By then I was suspecting that there was a good chance he had diabetes.  On the third time they came back to get more blood, they asked him and Judah if they wanted a sugar free sucker.  That was another sign to me that things weren't looking good.  The doctor finally came back in and told me that Jericho's glucose levels were in the 300's and that it looked like "early onset diabetes" and that they were securing us a bed at the Children's Hospital and needed to go right now.  At that point, I cried and mostly because I couldn't figure out why it was serious enough to go to the hospital and the other reason was because Myron was a couple of hours away and I had 3 children that were 3 and under to care for.  I called a couple of friends and got their voicemail.  Our friend, Nicole, called back fairly quickly and came to the hospital to be with my younger two boys while I attended to Jericho.

The hospital stay was rough at the beginning as they drew more blood and put an IV in.  Both of those were very difficult on a child who hates needles (I don't know anyone who loves needles I guess).  They diagnosed him with Type 1 Diabetes and his levels were in the 600's from the blood they took at the hospital.  His levels were that high because the pediatric nurse assigned to our room told us that Jericho could eat what he wanted and that we would just correct it with insulin.  He had a few bites of an apple and orange juice before his blood draw.  So basically, that day, Jericho had two of the foods/liquids that drive the blood sugar up the highest, juice and syrup.  Oh, and I also forgot the ice cream social that was going on in the lobby of the floor of the hospital we were on.  Guess if he was going to be diagnosed as diabetic, he was going to go out with a bang!

We spent 1 night at the hospital while Jericho was rehydrated and while Myron and I learned the most we could in a 24 hour time period about diabetes.  There was a lot they expected us to self learn through DVD's and books.  That's the last thing we were wanting to do as we attended to our children's needs as well as tried to inform friends and family but at the same time, we needed to learn how to care for Jericho when we were able to take him home.

We have learned a lot this last week and feel a lot more comfortable with the blood draws, counting carbs and giving insulin.  Although Jericho is still having a hard time with it all.  He doesn't understand why we need to poke him and at one point during this past week, he said, "I don't like this game" and continued to say that as we take blood and give insulin.  Oh Jericho, how we wished this were just a game.

While I'm so grateful that insulin exists and that Jericho can live a long and healthy life, I can't help but grieve our life as I knew it.  No more just giving a sandwich at lunch and when the boys are hungry again, giving them some fruit snacks.  Honestly though, I'm so grateful for the relaxed lifestyle I had before last week.  I'm grateful for the times we stopped to get donuts on a Saturday morning or when we stopped through McDonald's to get an ice cream cone.  Our snacks now consist of string cheese and peanuts.  Our lifestyle has changed and it has changed for the better...this is something our whole family will benefit from.  I'd have to say that the biggest adjustment (other than all the pokes/shots and counting carbs) is that our meals must be planned, well balanced, and he must eat everything he wants for that meal at one sitting.  That last one is tough for a toddler!

We are learning our new normal for now.  We do believe Jericho can be healed since we serve a God that we have seen heal of many diseases and aliments.  Until we see the healing that we know God can give, we will treat with insulin and through diet.

The two biggest misconceptions I've found that others don't always know about diabetes is that 1.) there's nothing that a child or parent does to receive a diagnosis of diabetes and 2.) while diabetes can and should be controlled by eating healthy, a diabetic (especially a child who is diabetic) should still eat carbohydrates.  They have to count their carbs and compensate with insulin but the diabetic specialists still recommend that children eat carbs because they need them to grow properly.

Since Jericho has been diagnosed, I have had many friends tell me that either they or their children are diabetic.  In most instances, I had no idea that they or their child has diabetes.  I am so grateful for the support of these families but also of other friends and family who are praying for us and Jericho in particular.  Not sure where we would be without the peace we have from Jesus and the support we have from friends and family.  Love you all!

Tired of Mommy Wars

When you think of judgmental people, what is the first group of people that come to mind?  I know a lot would say Christians but what comes to my mind is mothers and/or people who feel they know the perfect way to raise a child.  I didn't realize this before becoming a mom.  I didn't know there are SO many opinions out there regarding how to raise a child.

This goes from birthing the child, feeding choices for a newborn, sleeping choices for a newborn, discipline, feeding choices for a toddler, and I'm sure the list will continue to grow as my children age.  For an example; there are home births, hospital births, birthing centers...epidural vs. natural...co-sleeping vs. sleeping in a crib...breastfeeding vs. formula fed...scheduled feeding vs. feeding on demand...cloth diapering vs. disposables...vaccinations vs. no vaccinations - and this is just for newborns!  Not to mention as the child ages all the different types of discipline that you can choose (or not choose) as well as different types of play and learning activities, oh...and the food choices that are out there once a child is eating solid foods as well as when to start a baby on solids.  I could go on.

It's easy for a new and young mom to get confused when there are so many different opinions and options out there.  Most people are passionate about what they choose to do for their children and therefore will share that information with their friends.  Often times, this can be misinterpreted that they know what's best and anything else just doesn't measure up.  

Guess what?  I have a Bachelor's Degree in Family Science and I don't have a clue as to what the best practice is in raising a child.  I have my opinions and I know what "experts" say best practice is. But maybe, just maybe there is more than one way to raise a child correctly.  

I know parents are on a journey to raise responsible and healthy members of society and the stakes are high.  What if I told you that you can't completely control the outcome of the choices your child makes later on in life?  A child that was brought up with adverse situations may choose to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and become a doctor.  A child who was brought up in a loving home may choose to be a drug addict.  We aren't raising puppets but children who will someday make choices for themselves.  I understand that our responsibility is a great one.  However, for parents who love their children and want the best for them, I don't believe that choosing one way to parent over another will detrimentally effect the outcome.  There are obvious exceptions to this but those are the cases for Child Protective Services due to abuse and neglect.       

I will choose to support parents in whatever way they feel is best in raising their child.  I won't judge my friends in the way they choose to parent.  One way I choose to do this is by not posting articles on Facebook that go directly against what my friends may believe.  I believe a passive aggressive way of sharing your opinions with others is by sharing articles that support your way of thinking.  With all the information out there on the internet (most which are not accurate by the way), an article can surely be found that goes against the article that was shared.  Get where I'm going with this?  It could become a battle of opinion rather than anything else.  I'd rather support mothers on this tough journey verses trying to get my opinion across.  Besides, how many of us change our opinion based on an article someone posts on Facebook?  I'm more likely going to change my opinion when I am actively seeking information and doing research on my own.  

Let's love one another and support each other in this tough but rewarding job. #endthemommywars         

Are You Enough?

The last couple of days, ideas have filled my mind that “I am not enough”.  These messages have come in both subliminal and direct ways but regardless, have still had a direct impact on my life.  As I think back on my life, this message, in its many different forms, have tried to fill my life.

I have the perfect sister.  During high school, she was liked by everyone, straight A student, a good sports player in all that she participates in, on student council (which was student elected at our school) has an incredible voice and was in swing choir.  Not to mention she was active in our church youth group and on the leadership team, oh, and she was president of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes chapter at our school, which she helped start.   Siblings will always be compared to some degree but she almost made it impossible to try to follow in her steps.  While I’m grateful that I had a wonderful role model, I often felt like “I wasn’t enough”. 

While in college I was able to find my own identity and not be known as “Rachel’s sister”.  However, I found something else to struggle with, my weight.  Although my weight is something I’ve struggled with my whole life, the struggle continued and peaked in college along with a few years after it.   Seeing the skinny pretty girls get the dates and the attention that I so often craved, I couldn’t help but think that if I could just look a certain way, then “I would be enough”. 

In 2009, I married an incredible man and almost 5 years later, we have an almost 3-year-old boy, an 18-month-old boy, and I am 28 weeks pregnant.  Parenting has brought on a whole new challenge of thinking, “I am not enough”.  There’s so much parenting advice out there and everyone seems to have an opinion.  Much less the looks that you get when your children aren’t behaving in a public place.  I often feel like I’m not patient enough, I’m not loving enough, I don’t play often enough with my children, read to my children often enough, feed my children enough veggies, and the list could go on.

This morning, Dr. Juli Slattery spoke at my MOPS group and she spoke on this very subject.  Much of her encouraging words came down to one point, having wisdom.  Dr. Slattery’s favorite verse is Proverbs 14:1, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears her down.”  What are some wise truths that I can reflect on whenever I feel like I’m not enough? 

God says that He created me and that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13,14).  I am created in His image (Genesis 1:27).  He knew me before He created me (Jeremiah 1:5).  I am chosen and a royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:9).  My body is a temple and I was bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).  He also says that He has a wonderful plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11).      

When I focus on “what I’m not”, I can’t focus on what He has called me to be.  My identity must be found in Him and not who the world is trying to tell me I am.  There’s too much at stake to allow other people’s opinion dictate my emotions.